tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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