ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize