I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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