I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
