I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
