last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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