All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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