I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
