Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
