The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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