Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
