my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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