Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
