Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
