happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
