drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
