Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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