when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
