How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
