Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
