ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
