My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
