my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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