Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
