How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Found your dick twin last night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
