The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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