I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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