There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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