if you like me you must not know who I am
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just tell him i said nine months
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
