I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize