There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
