I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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