And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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