Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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