that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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