Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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