i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love having hate sex.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
