You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
3pm strippers are depressing
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
