I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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