I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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