she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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