Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
