I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
