his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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