I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
