so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
