Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
