I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
