I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
