My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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