I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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