i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
