Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
