my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
