I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
