i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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