You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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