Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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