just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
