yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she smelled like a LAN party
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
