Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
