I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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