toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
